While you don’t want to repress your emotions or your thoughts about the breakup, you also don’t want to allow them to dictate how you feel and what you do with your life. Commit to moving forward
“I feel like this is coming from out of nowhere, but I respect your decision and I wish you well. " “I can’t say I understand why you want to break up, but I accept your choice. " “I respect your decision, even if I don’t understand it. "
If you want to say something to him about this, you might say, “I’m going to need some time to process this. Please don’t contact me for the next couple of weeks. " But you don’t have to say anything at all if you don’t want to. The length of time you stay no-contact is up to you. After 2 weeks, you might decide to give him a call or that you’d feel better within a month. You might then lengthen it to 2 months, or decide you never want to talk to him again. It’s entirely your decision. If you want to build a friendship with your ex, it’s easier to do that after you’ve recovered from the breakup. You don’t want lingering feelings about the breakup to cloud your friendship, nor do you want to end up re-litigating the breakup every time you talk.
For example, if you want to cry, set aside some time to cry and let it out. Don’t be afraid to let go and really feel your emotions in the moment—you’ll feel better if you do. Remember that grief is different for everyone, so don’t compare yourself to others. Nobody but you knows how long this is going to take you to get through. While you’re grieving, be kind to yourself. [7] X Expert Source Susan Pazak, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach Expert Interview. 22 February 2022. Accept that you’re grieving and might not have the energy or emotional capacity to do a lot of other things. If you need to take a day off from work or school and have the ability to do so, that might help. [8] X Research source
Try writing for 15 to 30 minutes a day for the first week or so after the breakup. At that point, you can keep doing it if you feel like it’s benefiting you—you might even decide to write for longer, or to expand your reflective writing to other aspects of your life. Write about the good as well as the bad. Writing about the positive aspects of your relationship can help you identify the ways that it really wasn’t working. As you continue to write, you’ll start to find a sense of peace and satisfaction with the way things turned out.
Even going on to change your relationship status can lead to all kinds of questions that you don’t feel like answering. It’s much easier to do that once you’ve had some time to process what happened. If you don’t trust yourself not to jump on social media out of habit, you might consider letting a trusted friend change your password for you so you can’t log on. They’ll give you the new password after a couple of weeks or whatever deadline you set.
You might think talking about the breakup will just make you feel worse, but actually, the opposite is true. Research shows that talking about it improves your self-concept and decreases your feelings of sadness and loneliness—in other words, it helps. [14] X Research source If you have trouble letting go after a couple of weeks, or if your grief turns into feelings of hopelessness and despair, talk about your thoughts and feelings with a counselor or therapist. [15] X Expert Source Susan Pazak, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.
For example, you might have a formal ceremony similar to a funeral and invite friends to attend. You might also write a letter to your ex (which you don’t need to send to him) saying goodbye and read it aloud.
If you can afford it, go out and buy some new sheets or a new blanket for your bed. Rearranging your furniture gives you a new perspective and can make it seem like a different place—it’s like he was never there!
What you do is entirely up to you. A lot of people pamper themselves by getting a manicure or going to a spa, but if you don’t enjoy those activities, choose something else. You might go out to eat at your favorite restaurant or curl up with a cup of tea and your favorite book. Your treat might also involve making a change in your appearance. For example, it’s pretty common to dye your hair or get it cut in a new style after a breakup. “Retail therapy” is another popular thing to do after a breakup. If you decide to take yourself shopping, though, set yourself a spending limit and don’t blow your budget. Overspending will not help you feel better.
Start new routines centered around mornings, meals, exercises and bedtimes to ensure that you’re taking care of yourself. [21] X Expert Source Susan Pazak, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach Expert Interview. 22 February 2022. This also helps fill the time that you previously might’ve spent with your boyfriend. [22] X Research source For example, you might start a bedtime routine of taking a long bath each evening while listening to relaxing music. After your bath, you might read a book for a little while before going to sleep.
For example, if you’re interested in art, you might take advantage of a local pottery or painting class. Craft stores have tons of inspiration if you’re looking for something new to try. They often sell beginner kits with instructions that will help you start slowly on your own. Some also offer classes that can introduce you to different types of crafting styles. If you have a friend who’s good at something, you might reach out to them to teach you. For example, if you have a friend who’s played tennis for years, you might see if they want to go out and play with you and teach you the basics.
The experience can also help you put your situation in perspective. As much as it hurts to get dumped, there is a way through it.
For example, you might plan a solo road trip around the region where you live, or drive to visit some friends or relatives a few hours away who you haven’t seen in a while. If you’re thinking about a trip, get better rates by going somewhere during the off-season. For example, if it’s late fall or winter, you can probably get a better deal on accommodations at the beach. Just the planning of the trip gives you something to think about and helps take your mind off the breakup. So even if you can’t afford to take off any time soon, you might consider planning a trip for sometime in the next year.
This doesn’t mean you have to abstain completely. If a friend invites you out for a drink a few days after the breakup, that’s probably fine. But drinking alone, or feeling as though you “need” a drink, could be a sign of an unhealthy dependence.
